Battle Report from the Bottom
Fri, 11/13/2009 - 21:18 — SouthernStyle
Rolling into San Antonio I knew the stakes were high. The L2 1Cup Boat Anchor title was on the line and I knew that if I had any chance of taking home the prize I was going to have to turn in a shit show of a weekend worthy of the video where the monkey checks his own oil, sniffs the finger, and falls off the log.
Part 1: Checking my Oil
I'm sitting outside of Coyote Ugly waiting on a phone call for a potential job. I'm nervous and the fact that to my right Ed is getting tied up, molested, and beaten by the bartenders isn't helping my nerves. I ask for water and the trite bitches actually pull out the bar hose and water me down...whores. Dave suggests that I head back to the hotel and, in a sudden moment of clarity, I realize that taking a phone interview outside of a bar is probably the most unprofessional way to start a new job. I go back to the hotel, sweat bullets until the phone rings, and then promptly fuck up the entire interview....Let the shit show begin
Game 1: Jim Baluchik Bretonnians
I can't spell this guys last name...I can't pronounce it either, but what I can do is wreck your bretonnian army when you screen every lance with the same unit of skirmishes archers and then give me the first turn to get all up in your grill. Jim denies me the Ojo points by suicide charging the guy I Ojo'd...I thought it was great. Jim was an awesome guy and I had a great time playing him. I think he gave me a bad game vote, which is too bad. My only complaint is that he didn't bother to wheel or measure distance with his lances. He held the tape measure about 6" above unit and then did the King Tut, where you move the unit and the tape measure at the same so as to add 2-3" to your move...awesome, I called him on it everytime. Until he plays an infantry army or learns to move his units with some etiquette I think he'll continue to get shit.
Win.
Game 2: Mark Cox Skaven
Awesome guy..hands down...regardless of army. That being said, the old skaven pack about as much punch as my credit score.
Win.
Part 2: Sniffing the finger
Game 3: Jesse Garriott Empire
One of the Austin guys. Super cool, really laid back...didn't even notice his steam tank or his war altar. I got spirit of the forge onto the big bad stank and grounded it for the entire game. Hid behind a forest to avoid cannon fire and ended up drawing him because neither of us had the balls to do anything about the other.
Draw
Game 4: Jordan Braun Nurgle
Jordan was owning my shit from turn 1. I can't stop 5 Rancid Visitations per turn and I was fairly certain that it was all going to be over by the 4th turn. Then I dropped pit of shades on his GUO irresistably and Jordan was kind enough to flunk the initiative test. The game became a draw if I wanted it. I almost turned it into a win but my COK's returned Jordan's favor in turn 6 and went stupid in order to avoid having to make a game winning charge....proving the age old addage: Sometimes COK's fuck assholes.
Draw
Part 3: Falling off the Log
Game 5: Patrick Grimwood Daemons
This man's brood single handedly shattered dreams all weekend long. His army would shatter my dreams when one god damned Tzeenth Herald weathered 4 turns of magic to beat the odds and stay alive. I also pissed off one of my casters, who decided to miscast every magic phase in turns 2-6...bitch. At the end I went for glory and moved a unit w/ a sorceress into charge range of some flamers, knowing that my 11+ PD magic phase would wreck them agains this 3DD...nope, the stupid sorceress bitch miscast at the top of the phase and ended the whole magic dilemma, then she ate flamer dick in the ensuing charge and ran from the board in terror.
Loss...boat anchor secured...
5 AWESOME games against great guys. Thanks to Jon and Jim for throwing the most fun tourney on the planet.
Johnny